The Movement for Reform Judaism

We would prefer Jews to marry other Jews. This has nothing whatsoever to do with exclusivity or disparagement of non-Jews but is solely the result of our experience that when a Jew marries or forms a long-term relationship with a non-Jew the most likely outcome is that the Jew and the children of the relationship are lost to Judaism. Since Jews have become something of an endangered species and we think that the world would be a lot poorer without Judaism, we are not happy to lose anyone.

We also recognise the reality of the modern world, that wherever Jew and non-Jew meet, loving relationships can develop. We have also learned that this need not be a disaster.

We encourage everyone who is thinking of marrying or is married to or in a long-term relationship with a Jew to seriously consider becoming Jewish. We don’t send people away, we welcome them. That isn’t the same as waving a magic wand and pronouncing anyone who vaguely likes the idea to be Jewish. It takes time to integrate into the Jewish community and feel comfortable there. It takes knowledge and skill to get the most out of being Jewish. That is why every Reform Synagogue offers courses, usually of a year’s duration. We take pride at turning out-marriage into in-marriage. If you are personally touched by this issue you can get help and advice from your nearest rabbi – all Reform Synagogues are listed in this booklet.

We also recognise that not every non-Jewish partner of a Jew is rushing to become Jewish themselves. They may have their own deeply held religious tradition. In this situation we encourage the Jew to remain a member of the Jewish community. We are delighted if the non-Jewish partner gives active support and they are most welcome in our synagogues. We offer seminars and groups at which difficult issues like the upbringing of the children can be considered. We make it possible for the children to be received into Judaism even if the mother, for reasons of her own faith, does not wish to convert.

Non-Jews with no prospective Jewish partner are equally welcome and on the same terms. Whilst Judaism is not a ‘missionary’ religion, it has always enjoyed converts and our history records what an important and revitalising contribution they can and do make.

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Marrying In
written by a guest , October 16, 2006

I recently got married to my long standing partner. I am Jewish and he is a non-jew. He has grown up amongst Jews and, although limited, has a small knowledge of Jewish life. He is aware that our children will be Jewish and brought up going to synagoue, observing the festivals and learning hebrew. He would like to be a part of this life and has embraced a lot of the religion, including learning hebrew (slowly!). My family live in London and we live in Bristol. I have not yet met any Jews in my area and have been looking into joining a local liberal/reform synagogue. This has proven to be quite difficult as these seem to be limited in the west country. My husband has also decided he would like to get involved more in the Jewish community and would like to, in the future, consider becoming a permanent part. This weekend we went to the synagogue to celebrate Simchat Torah as my father was given the honour of Chatan Torah. This was in a United synagogue where I grew up. As you can imagine my husband felt a little uncomfortable when following what was going on. Most of the service was in hebrew but he still managed to join in where possible, singing and dancing. The aspect of Judaism which he has found so appealing was the community spirit and sense of belonging to a such a big 'family'. On travelling home to Bristol he decided that he wanted his children growing up with a mum and a dad who could teach them what it is to be a Jew. I always accepted that if I married a non-jew I couldn't expect him to take on such a large part of my life and never asked that of him. I couldn't be happier now to know that he willingly wants to learn and pass on that which is valuable to our children. I don't think he would ever convert as circumcision is not something he would consider and I would not ask that of him either.
I don't think it would have been better to have married a Jew, as there are lessons in life that need learning and plenty of teaching to do! Being Jewish to me is not only about religion but about education, love, supporting others along the way and always being there for your family (in every sense of the word).

My dilema..
written by a guest , September 29, 2007

Maybe this is not the appropriate place for this comment, but I feel that if there is going to be anyone who can help me it will be someone who reads this website. I have, or had, been in a long term (three and a half years) loving relationship with a wonderful Jewish man. At no point earlier did he imagine our different relgions (I am Hindu, but not practicing) to be a problem, until two months ago, when he broke up with me, because he wants his children to be Jewish. I understand where he is coming from but he did not discuss this with me at all. If he had, he would have learnt that I am very open to the idea of converting (although it is not something I can commit to until I know more about the religion on my own) and that I would be more than happy to raise Jewish children. I understand the matrilineal nature of the religion, but I have been told that within Reform Judaism, patrilineal descent is accepted and that children of such a marriage would be accepted within the community. Is this true? Also, is there a substantial difference between a Conservative Jew and a Reform Jew in terms of the spirit of the religion? Because if there was, I will know not to even ask him to entertain the idea of Reform Judaism. If there is not however, I feel that this is ideal because it gives me time to learn what I need to learn and also gives him the reassurance that our children would never be anything but Jewish. I have not discussed this with him and probably won't, as i think that he needs to follow his own path to find this solution if it is meant to be, but I do need to know for my own sake if this is correct. I have always been surrounded by Jews and the culture and religion appeal to me far more than that which I was born into and despite the fact my ex doesn't want to be with me now, I do want to continue to learn as much as possible and even if not formally, one day, impart the values of this religion to my children.
Thank you in advance for your help.

Intermarriage
written by hrb , October 28, 2007

Hiya,
I don't see any problem with non-Jews converting to Judaism in order to give children a Jewish upbringing and I want to say how much I appreciate your post because a lot of people don't care or appreciate the religion at all so it is the children that lose out on a Jewish upbringing. It often seems to be, unfortunately, the Jewish partner that behaves in this manner rather than the non-Jewish one, although not in every situation. I'm not saying all do, but a lot do. My mum did not really believe in God but was happy for us to be Jewish but my dad was Jewish but very against Judaism so we never were brought up as Jews but I rediscovered the religion in my teens and am glad I did so.
I am seeing a non-Jewish woman at the moment and while I have no problem with dating a non-Jew or even marrying one, later on in my life when I am living with/ married to someone, I do want to have a "Jewish household" and observe Judaism more fully, whether the person converts or is already Jewish, or is happy to go along with my wishes, and unfortunately this is not always possible, nor would I wish it to be because I would not want to force someone to go along with my religion and in so doing cause tension in the family. It is very difficult.

I hope I'm not being insulting or anything or have offended someone, I wouldn't want to do that.

A difficult time...
written by alimoss , April 03, 2008

Having read your comments I can't help but feel more confused about my own situation. I am a non-jew dating a jewish man, though we are a long way from considering marriage we have found ourselves caught in discussions about our future because of our different perspectives. He has said that he does not think we can be together unless I convert to judaism, I am completely willing to learn about it, as at the moment my knowledge is very limited, however, I am terrified that I am wasting my time, as I am not sure if I will be able to convert, due to the need of a faith as in any religion, I fear that I am considering converting for the wrong reasons, being that I am in love with a Jew rather than in love with judaism. I am more than happy to embrace the Jewish traditions I am already aware of, including keeping a kosher house, and celebrations that I have so far learnt about, but I cannot tell if this is enough?! The last thing I want to do is make him give up a part of his faith, as I know how important it is too him, but is it really ever completely accepted that children can be jewish even if their mother is not? I hope you can help me x thank you