| When Someone Dies |
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| Written by Joyce Rose | |
| Thursday, 06 July 2000 | |
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Whenever someone near to us dies we find ourselves in a unique and often highly emotional situation. At the same time we are called upon to be realistic and to make decisions. This pamphlet is an attempt to give guidance on how to be practical at such a time of emotion. It is a handbook to help us find our way between the basic, the optional and the superstitious, stressing the essentials of Jewish practice and some of its helpful symbolism.
For Jews, some help is available in the form of a framework which can guide the bereaved and those around them through the process - disposal of the body, mourning and in due course readjustment. Those who observe the entire halakhic tradition will find all the procedures and the customs laid down, but most of us select those parts of it that answer our own personal needs. Reading and discussion in tranquility can make it easier to take decisions at the appropriate time, so that what we do will truly reflect how we feel, and bring us the greatest comfort, whilst respecting the feelings of others who also mourn. Judaism teaches that death has its allotted place in the cycle of life, and in the meantime we should concentrate on our behaviour in this world rather than speculate about the world to come. We have to choose how to deal with death and loss, for ourselves and for others, so that we can go forward, to life. Making Choices For most people death comes suddenly, even if it is the inevitable end of a long illness. It often leaves much that is unfinished and unresolved, but some of the uncertainties could have been forestalled if a Will had been made. So, if you are reading this leaflet for general guidance and are not at this time arranging a funeral, you could be thinking about ways of making your own views known. A Will can be made simply, on a form from a stationery shop, duly witnessed, but it is preferable to use the services of a solicitor who can check the validity of your requests. Whichever way you choose, do make sure that someone near you knows that a Will exists and where it is to be found. Some of us may want to offer organs for transplant in the event of our death, and the carrying of a donor card can expedite matters and avoid the need to ask next-of-kin when they are probably in shock. Due to Jewish laws banning the mutilation of a body or benefitting from a corpse, there is an element of controversy over this, but Reform rabbis have indicated that the principle of the saving of life, and improving its quality, takes priority; some Orthodox rabbis accept the concept but are more specific about the circumstances. If you are seriously considering leaving your body for scientific research, then you may want to discuss it with those near to you. Although likely to benefit posterity in general, it does not conform to Jewish tradition and might cause distress to those unprepared for it. Special arrangements will need to be made at the time of death. Burial of the body in a plot in a consecrated cemetery is the traditional arrangement. However, in a Reform setting cremation is an option, so it is also helpful if the choice between burial and cremation can be considered in advance, and a booklet on cremation is available in this series. At The Time Of Death If death follows an illness it is probable that the rabbi and other caring members of the congregation will already be in touch. Indeed, when death is felt to be approaching, some people find it helpful to ask the rabbi to visit. The support that has been given will then follow into the period of mourning. Traditionally, and as a natural response, a person who is thought to be dying should not be left alone. Comfort may also be found by someone who is aware of being dangerously ill from prayers in the RSGB Siddur (Sabbath and Daily Prayer Book) on page 294; some may feel a need to make personal confession. Prayers to be said on behalf of a sick person can be found on pages 293 and 295. If death occurs in hospital, the nursing staff may need to deal with the body until the burial society takes over. In any event the body should be left with the hands lying alongside, not crossed over, and the lower jaw should be held in the normal position and not allowed to drop. At home a candle may be lit near the body. It has been the custom not to leave the body unattended. The original reasons for this no longer apply, but if you feel that that is what you want then, rather than employ strangers to do it for you, family members could undertake it themselves for the short time necessary. When a death has actually occurred, the first step in arranging the funeral is to contact the congregation to which the deceased belonged, or some representative of it. If the deceased did not belong to a synagogue, you may contact any synagogue or burial society direct. (See next section for information about burial societies.) The person who takes on the responsibility of arranging the funeral may be a member and have such contacts, but it is not essential to belong to a synagogue in order to be able to arrange a Jewish funeral for a Jewish person. If you want to arrange a Jewish funeral, it is recommended that you start with a synagogue or burial society from the outset and do not approach a firm of undertakers yourself, as very few are able to make the proper provision on their own. You will, of course, have made sure that those who were close to the deceased receive the sad news quickly. Other people will share your sorrow and want to have the opportunity of attending the funeral and, on the principle that bad news travels fast, relatives, friends and members of your congregation will pass the message round. You may also decide to make an announcement in the Jewish, local or national press. Burial Societies Traditionally it is the responsibility of the community to bury its dead and comfort the bereaved; the highest form of respect one can show someone, and a very great mitzvah (commandment, duty or good deed), is to accompany the remains of that person on their journey to the grave. Therefore one of the first things a new Jewish community will do, whilst obviously engaging in activities to enhance Jewish living, is to give its members the security of knowing that arrangements have been made for dealing with the deaths which will inevitably occur, by either joining or establishing a chevrah kaddisha (burial society). We use the term "burial" society here to include all such organisations, but in the case of Reform communities cremations can also be arranged if required. Large burial societies have their own staff, usually with a sexton in charge, but individual synagogues which do not combine in a group burial society may appoint one of their own officials or honorary officers to do this. The largest burial society which caters for Reform Jews in Britain is the Jewish Joint Burial Society (JJBS), originally established by a group of Reform synagogues to meet their own needs and consisting of twenty-six member communities (not all Reform) at the time of writing, with a cemetery at Cheshunt, Hertfordshire (on part of the land of the Western Synagogue Cemetery, Bulls Cross Ride) and with cremation facilities at Golders Green Crematorium, On Hoop Lane, Golders Green London, and elsewhere. Nineteen Reform congregations are full members of the JJBS and, in addition, seven more, for whom Cheshunt is geographically unsuitable, subscribe to its Funeral Expenses Scheme. If your synagogue is a full member of JJBS, and you or your partner joined before reaching the age of 50, you will be making a full contribution to JJBS and will be entitled to both burial rights at Cheshunt and basic funeral expenses. Individuals are not at present able to join the Society directly. Contracts for the provision of its services are made with synagogues whose entire membership, with any children under the age of 21 included in the parents' membership fees, is then covered by contributions paid on a per capita basis. Fully paid-up members qualify for a standard funeral at Cheshunt or cremation at Hoop Lane, the only extra charges being for cars in addition to the hearse, and for the special opening of a previously reserved grave. If these options are not used, a cash payment will be made to the synagogue towards expenses incurred for a funeral elsewhere. Similarly, if your synagogue participates only in the Funeral Expenses Scheme, the payment of a pre-arranged sum is made to the synagogue towards the cost of the funeral. You should not offer a gratuity to anyone employed by the burial society - where traditionally applicable, this will have been dealt with on your behalf and is included in the cost of the funeral for which you have been insured; it will not be expected. Members joining the scheme when over the age of 50 lose some of the benefits; there is a sliding scale of payment to be made towards a funeral, or a reduction in the amount normally received from the Funeral Expenses Scheme. However, rights which are already established are transferable between participating synagogues within the JJBS. You can get this information from the synagogues involved, or from the JJBS direct. Burial societies and synagogues can also arrange funerals for non-members who are Jewish. Societies may be contacted at their offices or via a congregation with whom there are links. Those synagogues which do not belong to the JJBS all operate or belong to a burial society and have funeral facilities and often insurance cover as well. The synagogue secretary can advise you. Some provincial congregations do not have access to a Jewish undertaker. In order to ensure that Jewish practices are observed, tohorah - often pronounced taharah - (preparation of the body) is performed by members themselves, by whom it is regarded as a mitzvah. These congregations either have their own cemetery or a section in a municipal cemetery that has been set aside for Jewish use. Arranging the Funeral When arranging a funeral, it is usually the next-of-kin whose views are paramount, but the actual organising may be deputed. It is important to be quite clear who is responsible, who makes the decisions, and who ought to be consulted, in order to avoid any confusion, and also to be aware of the sensitivities of relatives of the deceased who are not Reform Jews. (See also section on what to expect at an Orthodox funeral.) Whichever burial society you are dealing with, there are certain basic legal requirements which have to be met, and the burial society will guide you through them. You will be asked to obtain a certificate from the doctor who has recently seen the deceased person, stating the cause of death, and this will have to be taken to the Registrar for Deaths in the district in which the death occurred (not necessarily the same as where the deceased lived). You need to obtain from the Registrar a certificate giving you authority to arrange the funeral, as without this the funeral arrangements cannot proceed. The doctor or hospital will be able to tell you where the local Registrar is to be found. Once the burial society is in possession of the Registrar's certificate they will make all the arrangements for the preparation of the body, the coffin, the cemetery or the crematorium. Ideally a close relative should register the death and will be asked to provide certain information including the date of birth and, if possible, the place of birth of the deceased. This informant is then responsible for ensuring that the funeral takes place. If no close relative is available, then someone near to the deceased may act. If there are no relatives, it sometimes falls to a friend or to a solicitor to make the arrangements. You will probably need extra copies of the Registrar's certificate, perhaps for legal purposes, and it is just as well to get them at the same time. The Registrar will make a small charge for these. There may be circumstances in which the doctor or hospital is unable to issue a certificate without referring the matter to a coroner - for example, if the doctor has not seen the patient for some time, or if death is the result of an accident. The coroner may then decide that a post-mortem or an inquest is necessary. You will be told what you have to do should this occur. Registrars will usually do their best to enable you to go ahead as soon as possible but legal requirements cannot normally be circumvented. It is usual to hold a Jewish funeral as soon as possible after death. In some areas Registrars will make special arrangements to be available outside their normal office hours in order to assist the Jewish community. However, a funeral may be delayed for the reasons mentioned above, or to enable a close relative to attend from a distance, or if a death has occurred abroad. In the latter case certain formalities will have to be completed in the country concerned, as well as transport arranged if the funeral is to take place in this country. The burial society will be able to advise you throughout in making these arrangements, until the funeral can go ahead in the usual way. If, as a surviving partner, you are hoping that when your own time comes you may be buried next to your spouse, it is necessary to make this known to the burial society when the funeral arrangements are being made so that the space can be reserved. A fee will be charged and written confirmation should be obtained to avoid any future misunderstandings. This information could be kept with your Will. The Funeral Over the centuries and in different countries various funeral customs have developed. In this country we now use a simple wooden coffin in which the prepared body is placed, wrapped in a white linen garment or a tallit (prayer shawl). Small personal items may be included on request. The coffin itself is normally covered with a plain cloth during the service. There are usually no flowers at Jewish funerals here but non-Jewish friends and colleagues may not be aware of this. A rebuff can be avoided by arranging for floral tributes to be discreetly laid in an outside area, especially at a crematorium where facilities are provided. A small family tribute is sometimes left on the coffin but in general, and if you are asked, you may like to suggest that a charitable donation is felt to be a more acceptable token of sympathy and respect. The wearing of black clothing as a sign of mourning has little basis in Jewish tradition. It is a matter of personal choice and most people prefer to wear quiet colours when attending a funeral. Funerals do not take place on a Shabbat or on Yom Kippur and are unusual on a Festival. Once the coffin is sealed it may be taken home but, more usually, it is taken directly to the cemetery or crematorium by the undertakers and will be waiting in the prayer hall at the time for the ceremony. Prayers which may be said at home before leaving for the funeral may be found on page 298 of the RSGB Siddur. The Funeral Service The form of the funeral service will be found in a special book prepared by the rabbis of the Reform Movement and copies will be available for everyone to use at the funeral. The service, which is the same for burials and cremations, consists of psalms and special prayers accepting death as part of the reality of life coupled with a recognition of the grief it causes. There is also a hesped (address) concerning the departed one and the formal recital of the kaddish prayer. It can be helpful to look at this service beforehand or to discuss it with whoever will officiate at the funeral. You will be asked the Hebrew name of the deceased; if no-one knows it, you may be able to find the ketubah (Jewish marriage document), where applicable, and it will be on that. Failing this, the rabbi will use the English name or suggest a Hebrew equivalent if there is an obvious one. If the rabbi or officiant did not know the deceased well, information may be asked for on which to base the hesped in order to speak well of the person who has died. Alternatively, it may be possible to suggest someone of your own choosing who is more conversant with the qualities of the deceased to give the hesped. On arrival at the cemetery or crematorium the mourners may be able to wait somewhere quietly until the ohel (prayer hall) is ready and the coffin has been taken in. There are passages for meditation in the prayer book if mourners and others would like to compose their thoughts in preparation for the service itself. Others prefer to meet with those waiting to attend. After the hesped at the service, the congregation accompany the coffin to the graveside for the interment. It is traditional to recite psalms during this walk. The bearers will lower the coffin into the prepared grave but it is then the duty of everyone present, beginning with the family mourners, to cover the coffin with earth. When this has been done the service may be completed at the grave or on return to the ohel. A fountain of running water will be available for the symbolic washing of one's hands on leaving the actual burial ground, after contact with the dead. The service concludes with the recital of memorial prayers and the kaddish (see next section) by the mourners. In case you are not familiar with this prayer, it is available in the funeral prayer book transliterated into English characters to help you read it. Sometimes it is considered more suitable for all present to recite this together, especially when there are no close relatives. At the end of the service the mourners will be asked to sit whilst the traditional hope is pronounced that they "will be comforted with all the mourners for Zion and and Jerusalem." There is then an opportunity for all those present to greet the mourners individually. The traditional greeting commonly used on such an occasion is "I wish you long life", which is an encouragement to look in a forward direction, but there is a growing preference to use a more personal form of words. The difference in the form of a cremation service from that of a burial service occurs at the time when the congregation would accompany the coffin to the grave. At this point the coffin is removed from the chapel during the prayers while the service continues in the usual way. The chapel is often decorated with flowers and a musical accompaniment can be arranged. Any signs associated with another religion, such as a cross, will be removed at those crematoria that are accustomed to Jewish funerals, but in others it may be necessary to ask for this to be done. Following a cremation the ashes will be stored temporarily at the crematorium. As the person who has arranged the cremation, you will probably be asked how you would like them disposed of. They may be lodged in a columbarium or you may want them dispersed in a garden of remembrance. There is the option to bury them in a full-sized grave, which might be wanted if a cremation has for some reason taken place elsewhere and the remains brought home. Do remember that you should not tip anyone. Also, the rabbi will neither expect nor accept any additional financial acknowledgement of his services but he may be glad to receive a contribution to his discretionary fund for charitable purposes. Alternatively, you may want to give a donation to a charity of your choice in memory of the deceased. The Kaddish The kaddish prayer, of ancient origin, is recited responsively and in the original Aramaic which was the language spoken by Jews after the Babylonian exile. It is popularly thought of as a mourner's prayer but this usage is comparatively recent. It is in fact a prayer devoted to praise of God, affirmation of life and hope for the coming of the kingdom of God on earth. Traditionally recited in various forms at the end of sections of the services, and in extended form at the end of a session of communal study, it is not said in private but on public occasions in the midst of a congregation. In Reform congregations we do not insist on the statutory minyan (quorum of ten men) - any group of people coming together for prayer is accepted as a congregation for this purpose. So you will see that the kaddish is not a prayer for the dead but, in keeping with the concept of praising God in bad times as well as in good, has come to be associated with times of mourning for the death of someone dear to us. Because of this association, parents have in the past longed for a son who would be able to say kaddish for them. Since Reform Judaism encourages women to play a full part in religious life, this can now apply equally to daughters. The format of the Mourner's Kaddish is to be found in all our prayer books in both Aramaic and English, at the appropriate place near the end of the service. In the RSGB Siddur, see page 168 and elsewhere. In the Funeral Service Prayer Book it is also printed in transliterated form. It is the custom to face towards Jerusalem (the East) whilst saying the kaddish. The Mourner's Kaddish is said at the funeral, at all services attended during the mourning period, and again each year at services on the yahrzeit (anniversary); also at yizkor (memorial service) on the Day of Atonement and some of the Festivals (see below). Stages of Mourning - Shivah The periods of mourning are graduated and help us move from the most intense stage at the time of death through the first year of bereavement. During the period between the death and the funeral the bereaved person is in a state of aninut and is called an onen. The onen may well be in a state of shock but, at the same time, there are arrangements for the funeral to be made and decisions to be taken. Close friends or relatives not directly involved may be of great assistance. However, it is the next of kin who must make the decisions in keeping with their own feelings. When someone has died there may be people both inside and outside the family who experience feelings of loss and bereavement, and who do indeed mourn. However, the mourners who are formally acknowledged in a religious sense and have a role in the proceedings are parents, husbands and wives, children and siblings of the deceased. The prescribed period of mourning for a parent lasts for one year. For husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and for children it is thirty days, of which the first seven constitute the shivah period, but all say kaddish for eleven months. Half-brothers, half-sisters and adopted children should be included. The traditional shivah lasts from the return home after the funeral until the seventh day. The day of the funeral itself counts as the first day, and as we consider from a Jewish point of view that a day starts at sunset on the previous evening, the first night of shivah is actually part of the second day. The seventh day is usually concluded after one hour in the morning. Thus, if a funeral takes place on a Monday, a full shivah would terminate on the following Sunday morning. It is a period when no work or other regular activity is undertaken and friends call to offer comfort and take part in daily services which enable the avelim (mourners, in the singular avel) to say kaddish. The mourners will have returned from the funeral to a traditional meal of condolence, usually containing a hard-boiled egg as a symbol of the continuation of life. A yahrzeit candle will be lit and they will sit all week on low chairs which may be available for this purpose through the synagogue, who will also lend extra prayer books. In addition two ordinary candles are usually lit to serve as a focal point during prayers, and texts of consolation are on view on the mantelpiece or somewhere similar. In practice the length of time that you sit shivah is a matter of personal choice, though you may also wish to fall in with the views of other members of the family. Some have one-night shivah only, some three days, whilst others keep the full period. The object is to give comfort and support and to enable the mourners to begin to adjust to the new situation in which they now find themselves. Visits may be made at times when it is known services will be held or at any time convenient to the mourners. It is important to remember that visitors are there either to be part of a congregation or to talk with the mourners, who may well indicate that they want to speak about the person who has died or about their own feelings. Sometimes visitors are embarrassed by this, but it is a natural thing to want to do and should not be suppressed. Letters of condolence may also be received, which can be acknowledged at a later date. If the number is large, printed cards are sometimes used, but a hand-written note is more personal. Mourning is not appropriate on Shabbat so shivah is not observed then. Mourners may feel ready to attend synagogue, and in some synagogues on Friday night they wait until after the introductory Sabbath psalms before entering. It is also usual not to have prayers on Saturday night after Shabbat though friends may like to call at that time. Shivah is terminated at the onset of a Festival but if a funeral is held in the middle days of a Festival (Pesach or Sukkot) shivah should be held after the end of the festival. Sometimes a Memorial Service in the synagogue is felt to be desirable, especially if the deceased has been particularly well-known, and this may be held after the shloshim (see below). You can discuss it with the rabbi. Brief Summary To sum up so far - when arranging a funeral you should:
This list is not exhaustive but can act as a guide.
Stages of Mourning - After the Shivah The first thirty days after the funeral are called shloshim, and include the shivah. The official period of mourning for a brother, sister, partner or child covers this period whilst for those who have lost a parent it is a year, although kaddish is said for eleven months. Traditionally the death of a parent was seen as the greatest loss, because of the parent/pupil relationship, but nowadays this may not reflect the actual feelings involved. After the initial mourning period, whatever its length, mourners will have to get on with their lives in some way. There may be business or legal affairs to be dealt with or consideration of a return to work. As the supportive framework of the shivah begins to slip away, this can be a crucial period of readjustment and may take time. Whilst festivities may not be in keeping with their feelings, religious ceremonies such as bar mitzvah or a wedding should not be postponed - a quieter celebration may be felt to be more suitable. Some also abstain from all parties, entertainments and music during the whole mourning period but it is important not to withdraw from social contacts altogether.
Death At Birth Or Within Thirty Days The loss of a baby at any time is a poignant experience but stillbirth, or death at less than thirty days, has in the past been dealt with in a peremptory manner - without a proper funeral service or shivah, and in an unmarked grave - in the belief that it was best to put it behind you and think about other children. It is now recognised that a bond had already been formed and the loss is deeply felt. Reform rabbis will deal with this death in the same way as any other death and subject to the wishes of the parents, who will thus have the opportunity to express their grief. It is not usual in such circumstances to mark the yahrzeit. Such a death is now a rare event, and so more deeply felt. Each will evoke its own special needs for those involved and should be discussed with your rabbi.
Suicide Jews have always viewed the taking of human life with abhorrence, and self-inflicted death has been regarded in the same way. In the past those who have committed suicide have been buried without religious ceremony or mourning customs. In more enlightened times our rabbis recognise the underlying despair of the suicide, as well as the additional burden such a death puts on the relatives. The funeral and other services will, therefore, be conducted in the usual way and all support and assistance provided.
At An Orthodox Funeral If you have had no experience of Orthodox customs, you will find a number of differences you may not expect when you have to attend or take part in a levayyah (funeral) under Orthodox auspices. It is just as well to be prepared for these so that they do not deflect your attention from the main issue at the time. Some Centre-Orthodox practices are described here. Of course you will find the expected differences in that men and women will not sit together at any kind of service, and the women as well as the men will have their heads covered with a hat, Kippah or scarf. It will be necessary to have a minyan present to enable the kaddish to be said. The prayer book used, while basically the same, will be somewhat different to our own. It will probably have an English translation and, in fact, English is often used for memorial prayers. You may notice that different forms of the kaddish prayer are used at intervals, especially during the statutory services, but it is the final one that is especially reserved for mourners. Women will not be expected to say kaddish, and a man may be deputed to say it for them. The funeral can, of course, only be a burial and there will be no flowers at all. You will also notice that the mourners are wearing a garment with a cut or tear in it. This keriah (tearing) is symbolic of the rending of one's garments in grief and is done before the funeral. People often wear a piece of clothing specially for keriah as obviously it cannot be used afterwards; it will be worn for the whole shivah period, or longer. Until quite recently women were discouraged from attending Orthodox funerals and used to remain at the house of mourning during the levayyah. It now seems to be optional and most do attend - seeing the actual disposal of the body is helpful in accepting the reality of death. The procession from the prayer hall to the grave will, as at a Reform funeral, be accompanied by the recital of psalms at intervals. Orthodox Judaism recognises those descended from the priestly families of the Cohanim. They are not allowed to be in the presence of a corpse so they will not be present in the prayer hall whilst the coffin is there, but there is usually a special room at the side for them where they can hear the service. Nor will they go to the graveside unless they are immediate relatives. At the end of an Orthodox funeral, when the mourners are offered formal consolation, you may find different customs connected with this. When you visit an Orthodox home during the shivah you may also find differences, such as the covering of mirrors for various ascribed reasons. Men will have abstained from shaving, and leather shoes may not be worn. The mourners are not supposed to greet you but you should approach them as you are there to support and comfort them. When services are read at the shivah, which also enables the mourners to say kaddish, the men will usually go to the front and the women will be at the back, or possibly in another room. As a woman you may even encounter the assumption that you do not need a prayer book but of course, as in an Orthodox synagogue, there is no reason why you should not say prayers in the women's section. Afterwards you can join the men in speaking to the mourners and others. Some shivahs tend to become social occasions but this is not the real intention. However, if people have made a journey of some length, a cup of tea is always welcome and a great comfort to all. It would not be prepared or served by the mourners but by friends.
Non-Jews And Jewish Funerals When the deceased relative is not Jewish - and this may occur when someone has married a non-Jew who has not converted, or when someone born a Jew has converted to another faith, or if you yourself are a convert to Judaism - the loss is no less distressing and feelings may be further complicated by misunderstandings and by disagreements along the way. It is not possible for a non-Jew to be buried in a Jewish cemetery but you will probably want to attend the funeral without taking part in rituals which are against Jewish belief. You can still sit shivah because that is an expression of your own bereavement and enables Jewish family and friends to give comfort. As an additional resource some Reform rabbis will take part in a non-denominational service at the funeral of the non-Jewish husband or wife of a Jew in a municipal cemetery or at a crematorium. Non-Jews may, of course, be present at a Jewish funeral or shivah.
Setting The Stone There are different traditions about visiting the grave and `setting the stone'. Sephardi Jews visit the grave at the end of the shivah and after the shloshim whilst Ashkenazi Jews do not go until after the shloshim. You will know when you feel ready. The grave will be marked with a temporary plaque. As the first year goes by you can arrange for a permanent gravestone but it is recommended that adequate time should be allowed for the ground to settle. The arrangements for erecting a gravestone are usually undertaken by the nearest relative or by someone deputed by that relative. The burial society that organised the funeral will be able to tell you the names of stonemasons who are working in its particular cemetery, and it is advisable to use one of these. In any case you will need to arrange for the stonemason to have access to the cemetery. If you are in doubt as to the wording to put on the stone, then you can get ideas from existing stones, but over-flowery eulogies are not encouraged. Some Hebrew is usually included in the inscription, and your rabbi could be a useful source of advice. In Sephardi cemeteries the gravestones are usually flat, whereas in Ashkenazi ones they are upright; in Reform cemeteries this is optional. When the gravestone has been erected a ceremony of consecration may be held. In this country the stone is usually consecrated towards the end of a year although in Israel it is often done at the end of the shloshim. A short ceremony is held at the cemetery. Arrangements should be made through the burial society for a date to suit all concerned, ie yourself, the rabbi and the cemetery administration. You can either notify a few family and friends or you can advertise the occasion more widely. After a cremation it is often possible to arrange for the planting of a bush or tree at the crematorium in memory of the departed one, or to have the name inscribed in a memorial book. In addition, in some Reform cemeteries, there is the possibility of placing the ashes in a niche in a columbarium on which a small memorial stone can be set. Whatever you do, it is the memories you carry with you that will be a constant reminder of the individual and of what that person did in life. The period shortly before the High Holy Days is a time when departed relatives are often in our thoughts, and it is a custom for many to visit the grounds or the crematorium during the month of Ellul, and up to Yom Kippur, to give this more concrete expression. Some also visit on significant anniversaries or at other times when they feel the need. There is a custom of leaving a stone on the grave as evidence of your visit.
Yizkor A yizkor (memorial) service is included in the liturgy of the Day of Atonement. It includes the kaddish. This may have particular significance for those who have suffered a loss during the year that has just passed, but it is relevant for all who have lost dear ones at any time. A yizkor service is also included in festival services on the last day of Pesach, on Shavuot and on Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah. In some communities there is a custom that those whose parents are still alive leave the synagogue during yizkor but, in general, Reform congregations do not subscribe to this practice.
Yahrzeit It is regarded as an act of honouring the dead to commemorate the yahrzeit (anniversary of a death) each year. It is usual to do this on the Hebrew date, to light a memorial candle at home, to recite the kaddish at services, and to refrain from public celebrations on that day. Some synagogues will keep a record of the date if asked to do so, and will send a reminder. If you have forgotten the Hebrew date, this can be found by consulting the synagogue and giving them the equivalent date in the standard calendar. Memorial candles can be bought from Jewish bookshops and stores in Jewish areas, and should be lit on the eve of the yahrzeit to burn for twenty-four hours. Prayers which can be said on lighting the candle are to be found on page 301 of the RSGB Siddur. If your synagogue does not hold daily services, then you could say kaddish on the previous or nearest Shabbat, according to your choice or the custom of your congregation. You may also be offered the opportunity of performing a mitzvah during the service. The names of those being remembered during the week by congregants may also be read out before the kaddish, which you may feel is an additional way of keeping alive the name of your loved one.
And Then ... So far we have talked about the practical side of bereavement and the actions that need to be taken while bearing in mind the fact that the feelings of everyone involved will affect, and be affected by, whatever decisions are taken. We all need to understand that peoples' response to loss varies with their personalities, with the degree of loss and with the relationship to the dead person, both of kinship and of heart and mind. In the process of mourning, which is not itself the subject of this booklet, we can expect to see times of shock, anger, guilt and loneliness, and in due course of rebuilding. For some the stonesetting heralds a return to a positive life in which the loss is no longer the dominating feature. Others may feel that life will never have purpose again, and they will need more time and more help. Some synagogues have trained befrienders who may already have been helping individually or through groups. When it is recognised that this is not enough, there are other skilled sources of help available. It is important to know that these various resources exist to meet the need and to accept that "pulling yourself together" is not the response that will help the bereaved to achieve lasting peace of mind. We all wish for health, happiness and a good life - but the day comes when we have to cope with death, and it is hoped that you will find that the information contained in this booklet is a guide and help at a time of need.
Some Helpful Information USEFUL CONTACTS
The Sexton
The Sexton Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service: Co-ordinator can be contacted on 020 8349 0839.
BIBLIOGRAPHY For further discussion of some of the topics, you may like to consult:
The prayer books referred to are:
Joyce Rose is a graduate of London University and a life-long worker for communal and welfare organisations. She is a past Chairman and a current Vice-President of the North Western Reform Synagogue, a former Honorary Secretary of the RSGB, and a Governor of the Jewish Joint Burial Society.
This leaflet has been sponsored by This is leaflet number 8 in the series "JUDAISM IN OUR TIME" Trackback(0)
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Many thanks for such clear, informative information. My cousin died at the weekend, and my family and are will be going to her funeral on Tuesday. Having never before been to a Jewish funeral, I didn't know what to expect. I have now been able to prepare myself and my children.
How do Reform Jews feel about the fact that in the Talmud it says that,
"All Israelites have a share in the world-to-come... [However], these are they that have no share in the world-to-come: one who says there is no resurrection of the dead prescribed in the Torah, and that the Torah is not from Heaven, and an Epicurean. (Sanhedrin 10:1) " As Reform Jews don't believe in Resurrection the Talmud says they will have no share in the world to come how do Reform Jews feel about this? You must be logged in to a comment. Please register if you do not have an account yet.
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| Last Updated ( Tuesday, 19 February 2008 ) |
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