| Marriage |
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| Written by Rabbi Rachel Montagu | |
| Monday, 31 July 1995 | |
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INTRODUCTION
Judaism values marriage and the marriage relationship as the most significant in Jewish law, regarding the married state as the happiest for both men and women, a part of reaching adulthood and an identity separate from that of one's parents: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) Arranging a wedding, however, can be one of the most complicated undertakings in our family life, and one which calls for considerable negotiation between people who do not yet know each other well. This handbook aims to inform you on synagogue requirements for your wedding, and tell you how much Jewish teaching has to offer to add joy and meaning to this occasion. In the blessing recited at circumcision, baby blessing and bar/Batmitzvah ceremonies, we pray that the child will grow up to a life of Torah (Jewish teaching), chuppah (marriage canopy) and ma'asim tovim (good deeds). The relationship between God and the people of Israel is frequently compared to marriage because both this relationship and that between husband and wife are based on mutual love, affection, loyalty, care, and delight. Just as the covenant between God and the Jewish people was celebrated in public at Sinai, so weddings are usually celebrated in public. Supporting the bride and groom, both emotionally and financially, and adding to their joy on the wedding day are important commandments in Judaism. The wedding, all-encompassing as it can seem during the preparations, is only a preliminary to building a Jewish home and leading a Jewish life together. The same values of awareness of God and of respect for your own needs and feelings, and for those of the family and community, which are part of planning the wedding, should develop as the basic values of the marriage.
REFORM MARRIAGES The Validity of Reform Weddings Reform Jewish weddings are authentic Jewish marriages. Marriages which take place in Reform synagogues, but which could have taken place in an Orthodox synagogue, ie marriages where both bride and groom can authenticate their Jewish status to the satisfaction of an Orthodox Beit Din (religious court), are recognised by the Orthodox religious authorities as de facto valid, whatever anyone may falsely intimate to the contrary. Therefore, if bride and groom prefer to be married in a Reform synagogue, they can feel confident in doing so despite any pressure to be married in an Orthodox synagogue, thought by some to make the marriage more legitimate.
Who Can Marry in a Reform Synagogue? A Jewish marriage ceremony can only be conducted between two Jews. It is automatically invalid as a Jewish wedding if one of the parties is not Jewish. Reform synagogues are licensed by the 1949 Marriage Act in order that the weddings performed under their auspices are also valid as civil weddings, but this applies only to the marriage of two Jews, so it is not possible to hold a civil wedding between a Jew and a non-Jew in a synagogue, or for a rabbi, or other person licensed to perform marriages, to officiate at a wedding between a Jew and a non-Jew. Reform rabbis do not take part in any ceremony relating to marriage in which either partner is not Jewish. (See also Mixed Faith Marriages on page **). Anyone is eligible to marry in a Reform synagogue if they are Jewish, either by birth or conversion, and free to marry, that is either never married, or widowed or divorced. They must not be closely related to the prospective spouse - there is a complicated list of near relatives with whom marriage is not permitted under English law even if such a marriage is permissible in Jewish law, and your rabbi will be able to advise you. If there has been a previous marriage to a non-Jew, both the rabbi of the synagogue and the Registrar of the Office of Births, Marriages and Deaths will need to see evidence that the civil divorce has taken place. In the case of a previous marriage to a Jew, then the rabbi will need to see evidence that the get (Jewish divorce document) has been given. If there has been difficulty obtaining a get through an Orthodox Beit Din, discuss this with a Reform rabbi. If the situation cannot otherwise be resolved, they may be able to issue a document permitting the marriage. Where it is possible to obtain a get from an Orthodox Beit Din, this is encouraged to avoid unfortunate complications for any children of the marriage who wish to have their wedding in an Orthodox synagogue. Although gittin issued by the Reform Beit Din are written in accordance with the requirements of Jewish law, Orthodox Jewish authorities are reluctant to accept status documents issued by Reform Jews. Because the Reform Movement does not anticipate the rebuilding of the Temple and therefore does not wish to preserve either the privileges or the restrictions of kohanim (those men descended from the Temple priests), Reform Jews do not prohibit kohanim from marrying divorcees or converts. Nor do they accept the prohibition of marriage within the Jewish community to mamzerim, ie those descended from adulterous or incestuous relationships.
PLANNING THE WEDDING CEREMONY Arranging the Jewish Wedding When arranging a wedding service, the officiating rabbi will want to meet you, get to know you if you have not met previously, and discuss the various elements of the service. The rabbi will probably have a marriage application form to go through with you which covers various issues you will have to consider as part of the process of planning the wedding. It will also establish that both of you are Jewish, and free to marry each other. It will be helpful if you know your own and your parents' Hebrew names when you meet the rabbi who will need them to fill out the ketubah (marriage contract). If you were not given a Hebrew name as a child you can use the wedding as your opportunity to select one you like. The groom must be a member of the synagogue under whose auspices the service is conducted; if he is not already a synagogue member, he will have to apply to join, and this can be done at the first interview with the rabbi. If you are joining the synagogue and meeting the rabbi for the first time, you will need to take documents to prove your Jewish status, for instance your parents' ketubah or your own bar/batmitzvah certificate, if you received one.
When? Jewish weddings do not take place on the Sabbath, festivals or days of public mourning like Tishah Be'Av (Fast of Av) or Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Memorial Day). Reform synagogues do not usually conduct weddings during the Ten Days of Repentance, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, as the joy and concentration demanded by a wedding is not thought conducive to proper awareness of the message of these days. Some Reform congregations also follow Orthodox practice which prohibits weddings during most of the Omer period between Pesach and Shavuot; during the Three Weeks before Tishah Be'Av; on the second days of Pesach, Shavuot and Sukkot kept by Orthodox Jews in the Diaspora; on the minor fast days. You will need to check with individual Reform synagogues. If you are thinking of having your wedding on one of these dates you should consider whether this will upset some family members or close friends who would not wish to attend a wedding then. Do not choose your date before discussion with the rabbi. There is a romantic tradition in Judaism to marry on Tuesday, since it was on the third day of creation that God twice said "It is good".
Where? The majority of Jewish weddings these days are held in synagogue. It used to be automatic that the wedding would take place in the congregation to which the bride's parents belonged. Today many people live independent lives before they marry and the couple sometimes prefer to be married in the synagogue in which they are involved. Reform rabbis are not normally willing to conduct weddings in hotels since they feel that this detracts from the religious atmosphere of the ceremony. By tradition, Jewish weddings are conducted out of doors, and in Israel many still are. It can be delightful to be married in the open air, but to plan a garden wedding in England demands the certainty of a nearby building or marquee into which both wedding and celebration can be moved at short notice if necessary. If you do have the wedding away from the synagogue, you will have to organise a number of things normally provided there. These are listed on page **. If you and your family are not members of a synagogue, a list of Reform synagogues is available from the Reform Synagogues of Great Britain (RSGB).
By Whom? The wedding is normally conducted by the rabbi of the synagogue under whose auspices the ceremony is held. However, if the bride and the groom are already particularly close to another rabbi, perhaps the one who conducted your bar/batmitzvah, or other services for your family, you may wish to have that rabbi officiate. As a matter of professional courtesy, the rabbi of the synagogue where the wedding will be held should be asked if this is agreeable, and then asked to invite the rabbi of your choice. Most rabbis recognise the importance of having so significant an occasion facilitated by someone with whom you feel a rapport, and are happy to arrange this.
WEDDING REQUIREMENTS Organising the Civil Wedding In the UK weddings performed in synagogues are recognised as civil marriages providing the legal formalities have been complied with. Under English law rabbis are only able to perform weddings between two Jews. You both have to go to the register office (the address of which can be found in the telephone directory) for the area where you each now live, irrespective of where the wedding will take place, to get the papers. The registrar will be familiar with the rules for Jewish weddings, and help you fill out the appropriate form. This has to be done not more than three months and at least twenty-two working days before the wedding for the normal certificate. One can be married by licence which can be applied for between three months and two working days before the wedding, and for which one of the couple must have lived for at least fifteen days in the district in which the application is made. In both cases the register office will give you a licence to marry which has to be taken to the synagogue to enable the marriage secretary to prepare the paperwork. Do not leave this until the last minute!
Dress The groom may wear morning dress, dinner or lounge suit - it is a personal choice. He may wish to wear a tallit (prayer shawl) for the ceremony - different families have different customs in this matter. Nowadays some brides also choose to wear a tallit. In some communities the couple get married with one tallit round both their shoulders. The groom may also wish to wear a kittel. The kittel is the white robe worn at the wedding, and as a shroud, and in some circles on Yom Kippur and at the seder. If the groom does wear tallit and kittel, then the couple can appear alike in their white garb. It is not a requirement for the bride to wear white although it can be a part of the symbolism of Jewish marriage. She may wear whatever she wishes; however, according to Orthodox practice, a bride getting married for the first time should have a veil. There is a tradition that brides do not wear jewellery under the chuppah although they may wear it for the celebration afterwards. Most synagogues have a bride's room with mirrors where the bride can wait between her arrival and the ceremony, perhaps accompanied by a few close friends and family, and make last minute adjustments to her dress.
The Celebration The wedding ceremony is usually followed by a celebratory meal, the timing, scale and style of which are completely up to you. The meal should commence with the blessing over bread - this is usually said over a single large challah (all Jewish bakers can produce a suitable giant challah if given some notice) - and end with the birkat hamazon (grace after meals) which should include the special introductory paragraph to be said at weddings, and the repetition of the sheva berachot (seven blessings); see also page **. The RSGB produces Grace after Meals booklets which use the same wording as that in the RSGB Siddur, and which can be personalised.
Invitations As with all aspects of the wedding, the invitations can be as informal or formal as you wish to make them. One can get wedding invitations from catalogues, and there are Jewish ones which include Hebrew wording. If you are using a calligrapher for your ketubah, your invitation could also be individually designed. You may also need to include information about parking, a map or clear directions. You should specify any requirements about photography. If you are inviting non-Jewish friends, you can explain to them about covering their heads.
Photography Reform rabbis discourage photography and video during the wedding ceremony as it is an extremely emotional and private time, one to be taken seriously and where it makes sense to protect oneself from possible distractions. While it is possible for both video film and photographs to be taken without special lighting and at a discreet distance, many professional photographers are used to being allowed close and to the use of flash, both of which are intrusive for all concerned. Please prevent embarrassment by informing your friends that, while pictures before and after the ceremony will be enjoyed as mementoes by all, they should put their cameras away during the service and just enjoy it.
Floral Arrangements It is usual, but not essential, for both the synagogue and the chuppah to be decorated with flowers. Check with the synagogue about access for the florist on the day of the wedding. It is also customary for the bride and bridesmaids to carry a bouquet of flowers. These are usually provided by the groom.
THE MARRIAGE SERVICE The marriage service can be found on page 276 of the RSGB siddur, ‘Forms of Prayer'. Copies of the wedding service, printed as small booklets which can be personalised with the names of bride and groom, can be purchased from the RSGB office.
Arrival at the Chuppah ‘Chuppah' is used to describe the ceremony, but literally refers to the canopy under which the marriage takes place and which symbolises the couple's future home. While a synagogue chuppah tends to be decorative and fitted onto poles, a chuppah can be far simpler. In Israel they use a large tallit attached to four light wooden poles, held up by close friends or relatives. The marriage service begins with two psalms to accompany the bride and groom's arrival which particularly emphasise joy and happiness, and for which there are beautiful tunes. You will have to decide what music you want at the ceremony; most synagogues have an organist and a choir or soloist who can be booked for weddings. At most Jewish weddings the groom arrives at the chuppah without ceremony, and the bride is escorted by her father in the English tradition. However, the Jewish tradition is for both bride and groom to be escorted to the chuppah by their parents. Either each partner is brought to the chuppah by their own parents, or both fathers bring in the groom and both mothers lead in the bride. This shows both parents' support for their children at this moment. During the ceremony the bride and groom stand facing the rabbi under the chuppah with their backs to the congregation (this gives some privacy during these private and emotional moments), each with their parents standing beside them, so the two sets of parents face each other. If your parents are no longer alive, you may like to ask some friends or close relatives to stand in for them; the Yiddish name for those taking on this role is unterfuhrer. It may be possible for four siblings or very close friends to stand beside the poles of the chuppah. Grandparents may be more comfortable sitting down as near as possible. The best man and bridesmaids are not part of traditional Jewish wedding lore so there is no fixed role for them during the ceremony; if your bridesmaids include small children, it may be better to ask them to sit down once they have escorted you to the chuppah to make it easier for the rest of your guests to see the ceremony, and to prevent distraction if they fidget. The best man can remain standing immediately behind the groom as he will be looking after the ring(s).
Order of Service The wedding service as we have it today combines what were originally two separate ceremonies - kiddushin or erusin (betrothal) and nissuin (wedding). The first, the betrothal, involved the signing of the ketubah (the marriage contract), the giving of a ring and the drinking of a cup of wine. The second, the wedding, was marked by reading out the ketubah, chanting the sheva berachot (the seven blessings) and again sharing a cup of wine. Betrothal committed the couple to each other, but they did not actually set up home together until the wedding a year later. Since they were not permitted to live together, but sexual union with anyone else counted as adultery, it came to be felt that this arrangement combined the disadvantages of both the single and married state without the advantages of either. Therefore it became customary to have both the betrothal and the marriage as one ceremony. The bride and groom are welcomed with the words "Baruch haba beshem Adonai" ("Blessed are those who come in the name of the Eternal") and "Mi Adir al hakol ..." ("May the One who is supreme above all, who is blessed above all, who is great above all - may God bless the bridegroom and the bride"). As with the psalms, there are some beautiful musical settings for these words. There follows a prayer, and the wedding address in which the rabbi can give a personal message to you and your family as you start your married life together.
Kiddushin (betrothal) After the address the first part of the formal ceremony begins. Two blessings are recited, the blessing for wine and a blessing over the chuppah and the sanctity of marriage. The cup of wine is given to the groom and the bride by the groom's mother, and the couple drink. Since one cannot drink through a veil, the bride's mother can help her lift the veil up at this moment, and it can remain raised for the rest of the wedding, or it can be put back and lifted again for the second cup of wine. While all synagogues have a cup which can be used during the ceremony, you may wish to use your own kiddush cup. Some couples follow the custom of having their Shabbat candlesticks - without the candles lit - on a small table placed beside the chuppah so that they get married accompanied by the ritual objects they will use throughout their married life.
Exchange of Rings At the core of the ceremony comes the giving of the ring(s). You must decide whether you both wish to give the other a ring, or whether only the bride will receive one. If there is only one ring - given by the groom to the bride, the bridegroom says to the bride: Harei at mekudeshet li betabba'at zo kedat Moshe veYisrael By this ring you are married to me in holiness according to the law of Moses and Israel. And the bride says to the groom: Harei atah mekudash li kedat Moshe veYisrael And you are married to me in holiness according to the law of Moses and Israel. If, however, the bride in turn gives a ring to the groom, then she says:
Harei atah mekudash li betabba'at zo kedat Moshe veYisrael By this ring you are married to me in holiness according to the law of Moses and Israel.
The words of the declaration will be recited one by one in Hebrew by the rabbi and repeated by the groom and then the bride, unless you are confident enough to manage the whole sentence at once. Do not underestimate your Hebrew skills, but also do not underestimate the nervous forgetfulness this public occasion may induce! In Reform synagogues, whether one ring or two are used, both bride and groom say the declaration of commitment to each other. During the ceremony the ring should be put on the index finger of the right hand. This custom originates in the need for everyone to see that the wedding had taken place; the index finger of the right hand is the most visible place for the ring to be. You can transfer it to the ring finger of the left hand immediately after the ceremony and before signing the register. The Mishnah (first rabbinic code of law) only says that an object of a certain value has to be given to the bride, and does not specify a ring. Nowadays, however, a ring is always used. Jewish law later specified that the ring should be plain so that there could be no misapprehension as to its worth; if you would like to use a ring set with stones, discuss it with your rabbi.
Nissuin (Wedding) The second part of the ceremony then proceeds with the reading of the ketubah.
Ketubah (Marriage Contract) The Reform ketubah is a statement of the couple's love and devotion to each other, and their intention to support each other and build a Jewish home to honour God which is full of love and affection, peace and companionship. It is fully reciprocal, and it is written in Hebrew. It differs from the traditional text which fixed the sum to be paid to the wife in the event of a divorce. This was a practical idea of the ancient rabbis; they reckoned that her husband would never love her more than at this moment, or think it less likely that the marriage would ever break down, and would therefore fix a high sum for her to receive; a divorce settlement offered at the time of the marriage break-up would probably be far more meagre. Because some of the language of the traditional ketubah is startling to modern sensibilities, many traditional ketubot translate only a very small proportion of the text. The RSGB produces a printed copy of the ketubah. An attractive silk screen print designed by Ardyn Halter can be purchased and handprinted ketubot by the same artist are available to order. There has been a strong tradition over the centuries of producing ketubot with beautiful illuminations, either specific to the couple and their families or using some of the general Jewish ideas about the joy of marriage. It is possible for you, or a calligrapher you know, to produce a personalised ketubah using the usual RSGB text but with your own illustrations. Then the ketubah can be a beautiful decoration in your future home, rather than simply a printed form like your civil marriage certificate. If you do this, you will need to consult closely with the rabbi concerning the Hebrew date and other personal data to be added to the standard text.
Sheva Berachot (Seven Blessings) The next part of the wedding ceremony is the sheva berachot which emphasise the wonder of creation, the joy of the married state and the way in which marriage symbolises all happiness. In the seventh blessing we hear the phrase "In the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride ..." This phrase is found four times in the book of Jeremiah, which deals with the conquest of the land of Israel by foreigners and the destruction of the Temple. Three times it appears in the negative "will no more be heard" when it is used to threaten the destruction which will come if the people do not repent. Finally, in the promise for the ultimate restoration of the land, we hear that there will be a time when once more the voice of joy and gladness, bride and groom will be heard. Therefore the future happiness of bride and groom represents the wellbeing of the Jewish people as a whole, and their security and contentment in the Land of Israel. These blessings may be said or sung either by the rabbi or officiating chazan (cantor), or you may choose seven friends and relatives to say one of the blessings each, and perhaps also a few words of their own to you. Discuss this with your rabbi. After the sheva berachot, the bride's mother gives the cup to the bride and groom from which they each drink. The sheva berachot will be said again as part of the Grace after Meals. If you invite friends to recite the blessing at the chuppah, you will have to decide whether to ask the same seven friends or family to repeat them or whether to invite another seven people to participate in this way.
Breaking the Glass At the end of the marriage ceremony, a glass is stamped on and broken and all present cry out "Mazaltov" (good luck). This custom is explained in various ways: as a sign of mourning for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem - in which case it is curious that it should also be the moment at which every one shouts their congratulations; and as a way of warding off bad luck. Traditionally it is the groom who breaks the glass. Bride and groom and everyone else under the chuppah may now embrace and congratulate each other.
Signing Documents The service concludes with Psalm 150, Halelu-Yah, a suitably triumphant psalm, during which the marriage register is signed. The ketubah is usually signed prior to the chuppah but may also be signed at this point. The bride and groom then process out. Those of your friends and family who wish to take photographs may do so now the ceremony is over. Jewish law insists that the ketubah is witnessed by two Jews not closely related to either the bride or the groom. The civil certificate also requires two witnesses and may be signed by close relatives. The witnesses for the civil certificate need not be Jewish, so this could be an opportunity to involve some non-Jewish friends or family. Since Reform Judaism believes in the equality of men and women, women may act as witnesses for both the ketubah and the civil certificate.
ITEMS TO BE TAKEN TO THE SYNAGOGUE As long as possible before the day: *Licence from the register office *Calligraphed ketubah, if used.
On the day: *Ring(s) *Kiddush cup, if using your own *Wedding Service and Grace after Meals booklets *Shabbat candlesticks and anything else you want present at the wedding.
ITEMS NORMALLY PROVIDED BY THE SYNAGOGUE These will have to be organised if the wedding takes place other than on synagogue premises: *Chuppah: It may be possible to borrow a mobile chuppah from the synagogue. If you are using a tallit on poles, it is not difficult to fix the corners to the poles in such a way that you do not damage the tallit; either string or heavy-duty rubber bands can be wrapped tightly round. Allow for sufficient height to the poles to clear the participants' heads; the tallit may sag in between the poles. Some florists can attach flowers to the poles of even an informal chuppah like this. Or if you are skilled in embroidery or quiltmaking, you may like to make your own chuppah, and choose verses especially important to you to embroider or appliqué on. *Cup for wine during the ceremony. *Wine, dry or sweet according to your taste. Kosher wine can be obtained at many supermarkets as well as shops specialising in kosher food. *Easily broken glass for the end of the ceremony - a light bulb is suitable - as embarrassment is caused by one which breaks with difficulty. The glass must be well wrapped in either a cloth or silver foil to prevent flying splinters. *A small table adjacent to the chuppah where wine cup, (candlesticks), ketubah and glass can be placed until needed in the ceremony. *A table nearby suitable for signing the marriage documents. *A robing room, preferably with a mirror, for the officiating minister(s).
AUFRUF The aufruf precedes the wedding. (Aufruf is the Yiddish word for aliyah). In Reform synagogues it is usual for the bride and groom to be called up as a couple to say the blessings over the Torah on the Shabbat before the wedding, and the rabbi says a special misheberach (blessing). If you are nervous about saying the blessings in Hebrew, ask the rabbi for help well in advance rather than avoid the ceremony. The rabbi will be delighted to teach you, and it can be done in English. The aufruf can be a pleasant time for the family to get together, as well as giving an opportunity for the community to share in your joy. While the traditional time for the aufruf is the Shabbat before the wedding, if you are holding the wedding in the home congregation of one partner, and the aufruf in the other, and they are some distance apart, or if you intend to observe the traditional week's separation of bride and groom before the wedding, then it may be preferable to hold the aufruf a week earlier. Similarly, if the wedding is held in the synagogue to which bride and/or groom belong, you may wish to be called up in your parents' synagogue at some stage before the wedding to bring some of the joy from the occasion to their community, even if both the wedding and the formal aufruf are to be held elsewhere. Sephardi Jews use the term Shabbat chatan (bridegroom's Sabbath) to describe this custom. Originally they celebrated on the Shabbat after the wedding, but now most are called up before in order to be able to have a honeymoon.
SOME OPTIONAL WEDDING CUSTOMS There are some traditional customs which while not essential, are sometimes observed at Reform weddings and you may find they add to the beauty and meaning of your wedding for yourself and others.
Gifts According to Jewish tradition, the bride gives the groom a tallit as her gift to him, and he gives her a siddur (prayerbook). If she needs a siddur and he needs a tallit, you may be very happy to continue this custom. In this more egalitarian era, there is of course no reason why she should not receive a tallit and he a siddur! Incidentally, since the wedding is a time when you can expect to receive gifts, you may want to think through all the various requirements for living a Jewish life - Shabbat candlesticks, menorah, seder plate, mezuzot, etc. - and make sure that any you do not possess are on your present list. If you are marrying after you have left the parental home and have already equipped yourself with the domestic necessities traditionally provided by the wedding gifts, you may prefer to suggest to your guests that they make charitable donations in your honour.
Separation Beforehand. It has been traditional for the bride and groom not to see each other for a week prior to the wedding. This makes a break from each other for reflection, and for spending time with other friends and family, and makes the moment in which you see each other again at the wedding something to look forward to all week!
Tevillah (Ritual Immersion) Whether or not you wish to observe the commandment of taharat hamishpachah (purity of the family) during your married life, you may wish to go to the Mikveh (ritual bath) before the wedding ceremony. Tevillah was a vital part of readiness to perform many ritual commandments in the days of the Temple. Since the destruction of the Temple, it has still been linked to preparation for beginning or resuming sexual relations, and to spiritual purity before the Shabbat and the Days of Repentance. The mikveh is also associated with moments of transition, and moving to a higher state of holiness; that is one of the reasons why the Reform Movement reintroduced immersion for converts to Judaism. Judaism believes the time when you enter the married state to be a moment of holiness, hence the name kiddushin (holiness) for the betrothal ceremony. This is why both men and women may feel immersion in the mikveh an appropriate preliminary to their marriage. The mikveh at the Sternberg Centre is available for this purpose. Please contact the Secretary to the Beit Din to arrange an appointment - the address is at the end of this leaflet. If you do wish to find out more about taharat hamishpachah, which includes the abstention from sexual relations during menstruation, you may find it helpful to consult the chapter ‘Daughters of Israel' in Blu Greenberg's book ‘On Women and Judaism' published by the Jewish Publication Society, 1981.
Fasting The custom of the bride and groom fasting on the wedding day until the ceremony - unless it is held on a New Moon, a joyful day on which fasting is prohibited - is supposed to link the beginning of marriage to the Day of Atonement. The bride and groom would fast to atone for their past sins, and would wear white. This emphasises the importance of the wedding as a new start in life into which each enters with a clean slate, to embark together on the task of building a Jewish home to the glory of God. If you wish to fulfil this custom but do not fast well, you could consider minimising your suffering by holding the wedding in the morning.
Bedeken (Putting on the Bride's Veil) This is a custom which is linked to the deception of Jacob by Laban. The morning after his wedding, Jacob found that his heavily veiled bride was Leah and not her sister Rachel whom his father-in-law had promised to him in return for seven years' labour. Ever since Jewish bridegrooms have veiled the bride themselves to prevent similar `misunderstandings'. The bedeken can be a significant moment for the couple a few minutes before the ceremony, accompanied only by close relatives. Whether the bride wears a veil or not, bedeken can provide an opportunity for the couple to have a quiet moment together before the chuppah - to `check' one another for the last time before entering the covenant of marriage.
Bride Circling the Groom When the bride reaches the chuppah, she circles the groom either three or seven times followed by her mother and/or mother-in-law. This is explained in Jewish mystical tradition as the bride entering the seven spheres of her husband's soul and can be very beautiful. Ask just one person, preferably the rabbi, to count for you discreetly. The dignity with which you circle your future husband with your eyes fixed on his for as long as you are in front of him, while everyone watches in silence, will be lost if everyone starts to chant the number of circuits in a loud whisper. Nowadays some couples choose to circle one another.
Yichud (Time Alone) The custom of the bride and groom spending some twenty minutes or so after the ceremony alone together used to represent symbolically the third of the three elements which, according to the Mishnah, establish a marriage: giving an object of value (the ring), signing a document, and consummation of the marriage. The design of most modern wedding dresses, never mind considerations of romance, preclude any literal interpretation of the yichud time. However it can be very worthwhile, especially if you are having a large party, for the bride and groom to have a short time to be quietly alone together to repeat a loving private version of the vows they just exchanged in public, before going to meet all their friends and well-wishers for what will be an exhausting as well as joyous few hours ahead. It is also a chance to eat something if you have fasted.
Tzedakah (Charity) You may wish to ensure that others benefit from your wedding and donate a proportion of the cost of the meal to charity. Unless you have a personal favourite, you may feel Mazon is an appropriate recipient. This charity was set up to channel donations of a percentage of the cost of weddings and other Jewish affairs to the hungry and homeless (3%-5% is suggested). Mazon supports projects to feed the starving and to develop schemes which help enable the Third World to feed themselves independently. The address of the English branch is Mazon c/o Tzedek, 26 Goodwyns Vale, London N10; 0181 883 7453 (registered charity number 1016767) and they will be happy to provide details of their work.
SUMMARY OF DECISIONS TO BE MADE IN CONSULTATION WITH THE RABBI *Will there be an Aufruf, and when and where will it take place? *When will the wedding take place? *Where will the wedding take place? *Who will officiate at the wedding? *What musical support do you want for the ceremony? *Which ketubah will you use? *Will the groom put the bride's veil on (bedeken)? *Will you observe bedeken in another way? *Who will escort the bride and the groom to the chuppah? *Who will stand under the chuppah? *Will the bride circle the groom, and how many times? *Will you circle one another? *Will you use two rings or one? *Who will say the seven blessings under the chuppah and during Grace after Meals? *Who will witness the ketubah? *Who will witness the civil certificate? *Will you say a few words of your own to one another during the ceremony?
THE WEDDING DAY Jewish tradition suggests that bride and groom should be treated like royalty on their wedding day. This means that they should be honoured and also accompanied at all times by shomrim (those who watch over them). Because the wedding day, especially the time before the ceremony, can feel rather tense, you may like to arrange that each of you has someone around all day whose priority is looking after you and your needs. You will want to arrange for some people to greet guests on their arrival and make sure they know where to go and where to leave presents.
NON-JEWS AT JEWISH WEDDINGS While the bride, groom, rabbi and witnesses for the ketubah all have to be Jewish, bridesmaids, best man and witnesses for the civil certificate need not be. If many of your guests are not Jewish, it may add to their feeling of involvement in the service if you supply some information on Jewish weddings. You may also want to make sure that there are kippot available for your non-Jewish male guests (as well as for absent-minded Jewish guests!).
MIXED FAITH MARRIAGES It is one of the rules of the RSGB's Assembly of Rabbis that their members do not officiate in any way at the marriage ceremony of a Jew and a non-Jew. Rabbis are often asked if they could give a blessing at the end of a mixed faith ceremony held outside a synagogue, but the giving of a blessing is not in fact part of the rabbinic role. Rabbis are not priests who utter blessings as part of their function, but religious teachers; the rabbi's role at a Jewish wedding is to make sure the correct procedures are followed to make the wedding valid in Jewish law. Therefore, if you ask a rabbi to perform a mixed marriage in synagogue, or give a blessing at a marriage held in a church or register office, refusal is not a personal rejection but a different understanding of what is meant by giving such a blessing. Do not cut yourself off from future contact with the rabbi who may wish to involve you in the life of the synagogue. These days Jews choose sometimes a life partner who is not Jewish, and does not wish to convert. While the Reform Movement does not support mixed faith marriage, it recognises that it is a reality; it holds annual seminars for couples in mixed faith relationships and their parents, and has produced a helpful leaflet. If a mixed faith couple are creating their own ceremony to be held elsewhere, they may like to study Jewish sources to find some readings which convey the Jewish attitude to love and marriage, and to incorporate those passages into their service. The Jewish partner in a mixed faith marriage is welcome as a member of a Reform synagogue. If the mother is Jewish, the children are automatically Jewish. Boys can have a berit milah (circumcision); both boys and girls can have a baby blessing, are welcome to join the synagogue religion school and have a bar/batmitzvah. When the father is the Jewish partner and wishes his children to be brought up as Jews, then the mother will be asked to complete a period of study equivalent to that required for conversion so that she knows enough about Judaism to be able to co-operate in the upbringing of her children as part of the Jewish community; the children can then be converted in their own right.
CHUPPAH ONLY If you had a civil wedding, but are eligible to be married in synagogue and now wish to have a Jewish wedding, you are welcome to do so however many years may have elapsed. If you are a Jew by choice who has had a civil marriage to someone Jewish, you will be expected to have a chuppah to complete the conversion procedure. The procedures are the same as those described here already, except that you will not need to apply to the registrar for a licence, or sign the civil marriage register, so there will be less paperwork at the end of the ceremony. The service is otherwise the same. If you had an elaborate party for the civil ceremony, you may wish to celebrate quietly now, and vice versa. You may wish to hold the chuppah on the same date as your original wedding ceremony so that you only have one anniversary to remember, or you may wish to have two to enjoy henceforth! In the case of a wedding involving a Jew by choice, many Reform rabbis feel the participation of the non-Jewish parents in the wedding ceremony is inherent in their relationship to bride and groom. And so, like Jewish parents, non-Jewish parents will stand under the chuppah and participate in giving their children the wine to drink. This practice is in keeping with the obligation to "honour one's parents", one of the Ten Commandments to which Jews by choice commit themselves when they convert to Judaism.
SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS At present the RSGB does not provide any form of service for same-sex couples. If you wish to write your own ceremony at which you either publicly or privately commit yourselves to each other, then you may find the following books helpful: ‘Lifecycles 1: Jewish Women on Life Passages and Personal Milestones', ed. Rabbi Debra Orenstein, Jewish Lights Publishing, Vermont 1994 ‘Ceremonies of the Heart: Celebrating Lesbian Unions', ed. Becky Butler, Seal Press, Seattle 1990 ‘Twice Blessed: On Being Lesbian, Gay and Jewish', ed. Christie Balka and Andy Rose, Bereon Press, Boston, 1989. Discuss it with your rabbi if you want rabbinic involvement in any ceremony you create; you may receive useful suggestions. They will certainly want to find ways of involving you in the life of the synagogue as well as any children from a previous marriage.
WEDDING CEREMONIES IN ISRAEL Rather than marrying in your own synagogue in the UK, you may wish to be married in Israel, either because of family links, or because you have such a strong affection for the country that you would like to begin your married life there. It is possible for non-residents who are eligible to be married in an Orthodox synagogue to get married in Israel, and for the marriage then to have the status of a civil marriage in England. If you want a Reform wedding ceremony, you should have a quiet civil marriage in England, and then arrange for a Reform rabbi in Israel to conduct a chuppah which is not a civil ceremony, and thus dispense with the time-consuming bureaucracy of the Israeli rabbinate. SOME HELPFUL INFORMATION Useful Contacts *For Wedding and Grace after Meals booklets, and ketubot (printed, silkscreen or handprinted), contact the Reform Synagogues of Great Britain, 80 East End Road, London N3 2SY (tel: 0181 349 4731). *For Jewish books, kippot etc. contact Manor House Books, The Sternberg Centre for Judaism, 80 East End Road, London N3 2SY (tel: 0181 349 9484). Kippot are also available from the Leo Baeck College at the same address. *To make an appointment to use the mikveh, contact Sylvia Morris, Secretary to the Beit Din, 80 East End Road, London N3 2SY (tel: 0181 349 4731). *To arrange a chuppah in Israel contact: The Israel Movement for Progressive Judaism, 13 King David Street, Jerusalem 94101 (tel:009722 203448), Sunday to Thursday, 8.00 am to 4.00 pm. *To meet other mixed faith couples at the mixed faith marriage seminars at the Sternberg Centre, contact Community Outreach, CJE, 80 East End Road, London N3 2SY (Tel: 0181 349 4731).
Bibliography For further discussion of some of the topics, you may like to consult: ‘Faith and Practice: A Guide to Reform Judaism Today' by Jonathan A Romain, RSGB, London, 1991 The prayerbook referred to is: ‘Forms of Prayer, Vol. I, Sabbath, Daily and Occasional Prayers', RSGB, London, 1977 Both publications are available from the RSGB office, address above. RACHEL MONTAGU Rabbi Rachel Montagu was educated at Mary Dachelor Girls' School and at Newnham College, Cambridge where she read Classics. She received her semichah from the Leo Baeck College and has served Cardiff New Synagogue and North Western Reform Synagogue. She is currently writing and teaching on a freelance basis. Rabbi Montagu is married with one child. This is leaflet number 5 in the series
JUDAISM IN OUR TIME MARRIAGE IN JUDAISM Rabbinic Judaism has no equivalent to the Christian notion that celibacy is a higher spiritual state than marriage, indeed Judaism is unique among world religions in its respect for women's sexuality; in Jewish law the duties incumbent on a husband are to provide his wife with clothing, food and sexual satisfaction. In return a wife is bound to take care of the domestic running of the home, either in person, or by paying for household help if she can afford it. These days we may regard both his role and hers as ripe for re-interpretation in a more egalitarian spirit. Similarly, the statement in the Talmud quoted in our prayerbook that, if his wife is short, a husband should bend down and listen to her whisper, may be thought somewhat patronising; phrased in today's language, it could be used to advise on the importance of husband and wife making every effort to listen to each other, and the importance of good communication in building up a successful marriage. Honouring parents is given great importance, but if one has to choose between the needs of the marriage and the needs of one's parents, then the marriage has priority. The notion of marriage in Judaism with its emphasis on mutual respect is one which English civil law has only recently begun to equal in its commitment to justice between the partners. Women have always been able to remain economically active and independent within the marriage, and wife-beating and marital rape are both condemned in early Jewish sources. One of the ways in which Reform Judaism differs from Orthodox Judaism is in expecting an equal level of commitment to the marriage union by men and women. In Orthodox Judaism, adultery is defined as a married woman having intercourse with a man other than her husband. The extra-marital relationships of married men are not regarded as significant. Reform Jews believe that both men and women should remain faithful to the vows taken under the chuppah. Just as God made a covenant with the Jewish people in which Jewish people promised to remain consistent and holy in their commitment to doing God's commandments and in separating themselves from the worship of other gods, so we believe husband and wife should remain wholly committed to the covenant of holiness made to each other. ‘Holiness' in Hebrew is to do with being separate from others. Adultery, murder and idol worship are the three cardinal sins in Judasim. While we may respect the idea of continued love and commitment in the oft-made comparison between the relationship of husband and wife and that of God and Israel, we now believe that the relationship of spouses should be a relationship of equals, which the covenant between God and the Jewish people is not. These days therefore, we will regard that comparison as having some value but as an inexact analogy. Jewish law says that the bride and groom continue to have a special status in the eyes of family and friends for the whole of the first year of the marriage; for instance it says in the Mishnah that a bride may wash her face on Yom Kippur morning so as to remain beautiful in the eyes of her husband. During this first year of marriage, the bride and groom should try not to be separated. Trackback(0)
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Reform Judaism acknowledges the importance of the purity laws as set out in the torah although the mikveh is not widely used among Reform Jews. Although some Reform Jews do chose to use the mikveh as a regular part of their lives its main use is at the moment of conversion and often before marriage. We acknowledge teenagers dating is a common part of life in the 21st century and would encourage teenagers to think about important questions for their future such as if it is important to them to have a Jewish partner in adult life and therefore if that is true in their teenage years as well. Although the institution of marriage is key, pre marital sex is commonly accepted as part of modern life. Reform Judaism would encourage safe sex and an honest, respectful
relationship.
Okay i see, that Reform Judaism acknowledges that they are important but does it teach that the laws of family purity are what G-d wants?
Thanks for the info. Just to clarify do you consider the laws of fmaily purity to be holy?
And so pre marital sex isn't looked down upon?
Reform Judaism doesn't tend to put things in the context of "what God wants" but rather these are the ways that have developed in our tradition to make society function morally and ethically.
I think we are almost speaking different languages. My concept of leading a religious life is not about absolutes. I understand that my values and heritage is based on a religion that has evolved over time. This means that I am able to grapple with Torah and how it affects the decisions I make in my life as well as acknowledge that there are elements of the Talmud which reflect the culture and time in which they were written. I suggest that to really engage in an understanding of Reform Judaism you might be better having a conversation with your local Reform Rabbi who can give you a holistic answer rather than trying to ask many questions which are not put in any wider context.
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What about niddah and seperation, do Reform Jews do these things?
What does Reform Judaism teach about teenage dating, and pre marital sex?