The Movement for Reform Judaism

Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Romain, Chairman of the Assembly of Rabbis and Rabbi of Maidenhead Synagogue is a respected writer and broadcaster, frequently asked to comment on news issues on radio and television. In this fortnightly feature he addresses your concerns, giving responses to modern issues and queries.

This week's question:Please could you let me know what is behind the phrase "I wish you long life" which is said after a bereavement?

Jewish tradition regards the comforting of mourners as an enormously important act, and urges that this obligation be fulfilled when it will offer the mourners greatest consolation. Thus attending a funeral or shivah is not only a means of paying respects to the dead person, but a way of helping the mourners by surrounding them with the warmth of human contact.The traditional Hebrew greeting is "Hamkom yenahem etchem b'toch sh'ar avlai tzion" meaning "May God comfort you amongst the mourners of Zion", linking that person's grief with those in the rest of the family of Israel, past and present. It is a reminder that although they may feel engulfed in pain, they are not the only ones, and that grief is part of the human experience, not targeting them especially. Perhaps it is also a hint that just as others have suffered, mourned and
recovered, so in turn will they later emerge from this period of anguish. Incidentally, some add "virushalayim"- "and Jerusalem" - to that phrase, referring to the destruction of the city, but others omit this in view of the reunification of Jerusalem in 1967.The most common greeting in English is "I wish you long life" - sometimes shortened to "long life" - and is derived from the blessing for a new month that is said in synagogue on the Shabbat morning before the appearance of a new moon.

At first sight, it may seem a perverse phrase to use, coming just after someone's life has been shortened, especially if you are addressing a grieving partner who at that moment feels that the last thing he/she wants to face is a long life on their own without their beloved. Still, the meaning that is intended is that of course it is sad when others die, but even though we have lost much, we still have life, and each other, and the love and support that we can give one another. This is
what keeps us going, even in times of overwhelming despair. We have to be optimistic and forward-looking, concentrating not on the past but on the (hopefully) long life we may still have ahead of us. Of course, to a certain extent, wishing someone "long life" has also become a useful and recognised set greeting at a time when mere words can feel so meaningless and impotent. By uttering it, we show that we care and that our thoughts are with the mourner. By all means say something else or additional if you so wish, but the worst thing to do is to say nothing at all and leave the person without that warm handshake and mumbled greeting. Unfortunately some people become too embarrassed to say anything and just slip away, thinking they are doing the mourner a kindness by "leaving them alone for a while" whereas that is no help at
all. Even though we may feel lost for words, it is much better to be with the person and ramble on haltingly and inarticulately, than to deprive them of human presence by absenting ourselves. It is the tone of voice with which we address the mourners that they take to heart much more than what we actually say.

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