The Movement for Reform Judaism

There is absolutely no doubt about the answer: an unequivocal yes. There is obviously a special relationship between British Jews and the State of Israel and hence it is customary (although not obligatory) to have a toast to the President at a bar/Batmitzvah or wedding. The specific reason for the existence of that relationship may vary from person to person : for some, it is because Israel is the land of the Bible and the original setting of Judaism; for others, it is because so many current Jewish customs today are connected with Israel (eg the harvest theme of the three pilgrim festivals or facing Jerusalem when at prayer); for others it is because of the course of Jewish history which has always been connected with the Land of Israel; for others it is because how Israel arose out of the ashes of the Holocaust and stands for Jewish survival; for others it is because Israel today has become the centre of Jewish life world-wide. But whatever link you may feel with Israel, and however strongly, it would be totally wrong not to also acknowledge the country in which we are living, the loyalty we owe to its laws, and the concern we should have for its well-being. You can have a toast to the Queen without one to the President, but not the other way round.

Still, there is another scenario: not to have either toast. They imply a very formal type of event, and while that is fine if that is what you want, you are not obliged to have them, just as you do not have to have a plethora of speeches. You might want to have a very different type of event, such as a simple welcome by the groom at the beginning and a thank you by the bride at the end. Table seating can vary too: instead of a top table of the closest relatives, place each of them on a table of their own, hosting the other guests. Rather than automatically slipping into a set format, it is worth thinking out first ‘what sort of event do I want to have….what sort of atmosphere do I want to create?’, and then working out how best to achieve it. That way you will end up with a wedding which is not only very distinctive but which reflects the two of you and your personalities. Underlying this is the question of whose wedding is it: the couple’s or their parents’ ? Often it turns out to be as if it was the latter’s. Their views should be respected, but the bride and groom deserve to have the wedding they want. Of course, you may have to mollify the great-uncle who had been planning for months the speech he thought he was giving at your reception, but with a little sensitivity you can make everyone feel welcomed and valued.

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